im faffing...it's a thursday night and ive just stumbled into my (messy) house and only have 15 minutes to get ready for a date. yes people, a date. you may now close your mouths...(i know there was a universal, and sarcastic gasp when you read that). see, this was to be a reflective blog about dates, dating, the men, the boys and the boyfriends, but it's been rather quiet lately.
BUT i digress.
as i checked and re-checked my reflection on all 3 mirrors in my house, faffing over the simplicity of my outfit, hair and make-up, i mused about the upcoming evening. see, this night was going to be fun. i had a date with a person i actually liked. not how he looked, or his swag, but him. and everything had gone swimmingly prior to this moment. he was taking me to a play (10 brownie points), had made the arrangements all by himself (5 brownie points) and was picking me up instead of meeting somewhere (5 brownie points). now, some may think im being too generous with my brownies :) but seriously, the dating etiquette of a great many 20-something guys has all but vanished!
so having picked a fun, flirty coral dress with romantic frill detail (love london's lipsy), easy slingback heels, a clean fresh face and tousled curls, i was ready...practically in my own episode of SATC, what could possibly go wrong?
evidently a LOT.
every possible dating rule (and there are rules) was smashed. for the benefit of the men who may not know what the rules are and the curiosity of boys and girls eager to share in my night of horrors, here's a list of 10 DONTs that dude thought were DOs and left me mad as hell that i had wasted a perfect date dress...
1. DO NOT wear tightie whities...
i dont mean the underwear - we never got there, and never will. im talking about the tightest, skinny white jeans on earth. i couldnt take my eyes off them. with the clunkiest black shoes imaginable, it was hard to. but, i decided to ignore my style sensitivity and focus on the 'person' or in this case 'persons'...(bad mistake)
2. DO NOT bring a 'friend'
after a quick hello hug i noticed there was another guy standing there, looking on. he seemed familiar with dude, but as we walked to his car, dude seemed to be ignoring The Shadow. i wanted to shout, 'i see him - who the hell is this?' and after an awkward pause, i finally asked. didnt get the name, but he was 'with us.' wow! a tag along? a chaperone? a bodyguard? i dont care...he shouldnt have been there.
3. DO NOT try a come-on in the first 10 minutes
hardly 10 minutes into the date, im reeling as dude tells me he 'wants me.' who is this guy? wheres the smart, funny, creative, artistic and interesting man i thought i was spending the evening with? this weirdo im driving with right now is creeping me out! ive got nothing against being flirty and a bit sexy on the first date, but that blurt bordered on offensive.
4. DO NOT sacrifice your meal
we get to the restaurant and The Shadow and i order. dude, though hungry, doesnt. at this point im struggling to even have a decent conversation with a strange guy sitting one table away, looking on. this is not turning out well. but i finish my food and gulp down my wine spritzer wondering why i didnt order something stronger. as we walk out the door, dude says 'im famished!' i roll my eyes. i rest my case. it just keeps getting better...
5. DO NOT substitute 'play' for 'foreplay'
we finally walked into the theatre where the worst play ever had just commenced. the play, aptly entitled 'foreplay' was dude's secret weapon (he didnt tell me what we were seeing) - and it backfired horribly. in a nutshell the play was a series of the most vulgar sexual episodes one after another, depicted in gruesome detail, culminating in a rape scene where the girl was completely naked. epic closing line of the play: 'we are all whores!' OMG!
6. DO NOT ignore your health
as this offensive porn unfolded, dude was doubled over in a corner overheating. not from excitement, mind u. he was genuinely cramping - hunger pains, headache, loss of energy, dehydration...it was all happening and he refused to leave becoz, well, i guess i had to experience every glorious horror of the 2hr play and ofcourse, The Shadow was having too much of a ball.
7. DO NOT try a come-on after 15, 20, 30, 45, 60, 90 minutes
with hardly the strength to sit up in the chair, dude never lost the faith that i might be swayed by his sexual come-ons. laying his head on lap, trying to keep an arm around my shoulder, whispering about how lovely i smelled...the man had the tenacity of an english bulldog and simply would not give up.
8. DO NOT beg
ignoring my best efforts at ending the night early, dude suggested he stay over at my house! are you on tik? at no point did i give out any hints that the evening was either going well or could possibly end up at my place. dude decided this did not matter and with the charm of a refrigerator, persisted. on and on, begging, pleading, asking why not, and begging some more. were it not for my absolute confusion that this was my reality, i would have been livid. the bitch in me had been pacified by a crippling shock.
9. DO NOT let me drive myself home
all the while im speeding down jan smuts, desperate to get out, get home and erase this entire episode from memory. yes, im driving myself - in his car. he is in the backseat, too sick to move and The Shadow is sitting next to me. u see, he cant drive, doesnt really speak either and his only contribution to the evening was a banana flavoured shake (amagewu) for dude to sip on. im getting flashbacks of the most miserable night ever and cannot understand or believe how an evening of such promise could have turned out this badly.
10. DO NOT 'fall for me'
his only redeemable quality was that he did realise that the date had been a disaster - and texted an apology the next day. thank goodness, this would help me move on...but no, a call later that day confirmed that this dude should remain firmly as a ghost of date PAST. he was 'falling for me.' interesting, u didnt even get to know me dude. all in all, a rather lame attempt at getting laid.
and so ends a disturbing chapter in my dating repertoire.
yep folks, this date from hell actually happened. and yep, i lasted till the bitter end. the entire evening i had the words of my favourite ANIMAX show ringing in my ears....NEXT!
ON TO THE GOOD NEWS
though a little apprehensive about dinner next thursday with a brother who invited me with an email meeting request, very little can surpass the horror of last thursday...so im braving it. it's spring. im optimistic. and the coral dress really deserves a great night out.
so....NEXT!
