nice guys finish last

question: why dont women go for nice guys? im certainly one of those women who for some reason are hardly ever attracted to the nice guys. the ones that trully like me and have no discernable flaws and obvious shortcomings.

to answer this question and finally end this confusion echoed throughout the ages by women everywhere - ok, a tad dramatic but u get my point. i once again took to the deep, dark, dangerous dating streets, armed only with an open mind and fab shoes. even after the disaster that was my last date, i thought...'nothing ventured, nothing gained' so damn it, venture i will. this guy was the ultimate anti-busi-type. a gentleman, with a corporate and very steady job, cute and super sweet. so professional in fact that he invited me on the date in an email 'meeting request.' true to my cynical form, i asked my pa to accept on my behalf :) i thought if he insisted on turning a date into a business transaction, then i would oblige.

i dont know what to tell u folks...

but when they were defining the word 'awkward,' they were referring to this date. i certainly got all the attention women everywhere crave as the man let me practise my favourite activity...talking, correction, talking about myself. on and on i went...pausing and sighing dramatically in between takes, hoping he would jump in at any point. anytime now, he will say something...anything!?! but alas! it was not to be. so determined was our boy to LISTEN that he refused to simply TELL me a joke he had received earlier that day that 'totally cracked him up.' he chose instead to text it to me! yes, text it! as i sat across the table from him, searching for my mobile to check the text he just sent me, i thought "i need to take a man who listens, OFF my list of what i want in a man." it was just painful.

i caught myself bored with the sound of my own voice a few times...something i thought was not possible. granted, at the time i was saying something along the lines of "which brings me to 1999 when i finally got my first period!" seriously! he cant be real. he didnt even flinch...simply nodded his head as if to say, 'thank u for sharing that intimate moment with me...' i was horrified and had finally had enough. we paid the bill and left. the drive home was as dry as dry toast. and because i couldnt stand the silence, i took to pointing out the obvious:

oh, the robot is red
amber now,
and yep, green...
we should go

i was like a crazy woman. a nice guy had driven me over the edge. i imagined what sex might be like with him...and not because i was inclined, just in need of something to fill the silence. i got visions of nice guy rubbing back, feet, shoulders, temples...kissing cautiously and deliberately with his minty fresh mouth. i heard the clearing of the throat, the incessant pleasing, 'is this ok? is that ok? i was dozing off already...

i thought damn! nice guys do finish last...and they'll last even longer if they are on their own. so please, bring on the bad boys. give me some drama. a little immaturity and im even willing to consider the sleazebags. i know i sound crazy, but at least i will stay awake, and...

it will end quickly.

rules of engagement

im faffing...it's a thursday night and ive just stumbled into my (messy) house and only have 15 minutes to get ready for a date. yes people, a date. you may now close your mouths...(i know there was a universal, and sarcastic gasp when you read that). see, this was to be a reflective blog about dates, dating, the men, the boys and the boyfriends, but it's been rather quiet lately. 

BUT i digress. 

as i checked and re-checked my reflection on all 3 mirrors in my house, faffing over the simplicity of my outfit, hair and make-up, i mused about the upcoming evening. see, this night was going to be fun. i had a date with a person i actually liked. not how he looked, or his swag, but him. and everything had gone swimmingly prior to this moment. he was taking me to a play (10 brownie points), had made the arrangements all by himself (5 brownie points) and was picking me up instead of meeting somewhere (5 brownie points). now, some may think im being too generous with my brownies :) but seriously, the dating etiquette of a great many 20-something guys has all but vanished! 

so having picked a fun, flirty coral dress with romantic frill detail (love london's lipsy), easy slingback heels, a clean fresh face and tousled curls, i was ready...practically in my own episode of SATC, what could possibly go wrong? 

evidently a LOT. 

every possible dating rule (and there are rules) was smashed. for the benefit of the men who may not know what the rules are and the curiosity of boys and girls eager to share in my night of horrors, here's a list of 10 DONTs that dude thought were DOs and left me mad as hell that i had wasted a perfect date dress...

1. DO NOT wear tightie whities...

i dont mean the underwear - we never got there, and never will. im talking about the tightest, skinny white jeans on earth. i couldnt take my eyes off them. with the clunkiest black shoes imaginable, it was hard to. but, i decided to ignore my style sensitivity and focus on the 'person' or in this case 'persons'...(bad mistake)

2. DO NOT bring a 'friend'

after a quick hello hug i noticed there was another guy standing there, looking on. he seemed familiar with dude, but as we walked to his car, dude seemed to be ignoring The Shadow. i wanted to shout, 'i see him - who the hell is this?' and after an awkward pause, i finally asked. didnt get the name, but he was 'with us.' wow! a tag along? a chaperone? a bodyguard? i dont care...he shouldnt have been there.

3. DO NOT try a come-on in the first 10 minutes

hardly 10 minutes into the date, im reeling as dude tells me he 'wants me.' who is this guy? wheres the smart, funny, creative, artistic and interesting man i thought i was spending the evening with? this weirdo im driving with right now is creeping me out! ive got nothing against being flirty and a bit sexy on the first date, but that blurt bordered on offensive.

4. DO NOT sacrifice your meal

we get to the restaurant and The Shadow and i order. dude, though hungry, doesnt. at this point im struggling to even have a decent conversation with a strange guy sitting one table away, looking on. this is not turning out well. but i finish my food and gulp down my wine spritzer wondering why i didnt order something stronger. as we walk out the door, dude says 'im famished!' i roll my eyes. i rest my case. it just keeps getting better...

5. DO NOT substitute 'play' for 'foreplay'

we finally walked into the theatre where the worst play ever had just commenced. the play, aptly entitled 'foreplay' was dude's secret weapon (he didnt tell me what we were seeing) - and it backfired horribly. in a nutshell the play was a series of the most vulgar sexual episodes one after another, depicted in gruesome detail, culminating in a rape scene where the girl was completely naked. epic closing line of the play: 'we are all whores!' OMG!

6. DO NOT ignore your health

as this offensive porn unfolded, dude was doubled over in a corner overheating. not from excitement, mind u. he was genuinely cramping - hunger pains, headache, loss of energy, dehydration...it was all happening and he refused to leave becoz, well, i guess i had to experience every glorious horror of the 2hr play and ofcourse, The Shadow was having too much of a ball. 

7. DO NOT try a come-on after 15, 20, 30, 45, 60, 90 minutes

with hardly the strength to sit up in the chair, dude never lost the faith that i might be swayed by his sexual come-ons. laying his head on lap, trying to keep an arm around my shoulder, whispering about how lovely i smelled...the man had the tenacity of an english bulldog and simply would not give up.

8. DO NOT beg

ignoring my best efforts at ending the night early, dude suggested he stay over at my house! are you on tik? at no point did i give out any hints that the evening was either going well or could possibly end up at my place. dude decided this did not matter and with the charm of a refrigerator, persisted. on and on, begging, pleading, asking why not, and begging some more. were it not for my absolute confusion that this was my reality, i would have been livid. the bitch in me had been pacified by a crippling shock.

 

9. DO NOT let me drive myself home

all the while im speeding down jan smuts, desperate to get out, get home and erase this entire episode from memory. yes, im driving myself - in his car. he is in the backseat, too sick to move and The Shadow is sitting next to me. u see, he cant drive, doesnt really speak either and his only contribution to the evening was a banana flavoured shake (amagewu) for dude to sip on. im getting flashbacks of the most miserable night ever and cannot understand or believe how an evening of such promise could have turned out this badly.

 

10. DO NOT 'fall for me'

his only redeemable quality was that he did realise that the date had been a disaster - and texted an apology the next day. thank goodness, this would help me move on...but no, a call later that day confirmed that this dude should remain firmly as a ghost of date PAST. he was 'falling for me.' interesting, u didnt even get to know me dude. all in all, a rather lame attempt at getting laid.

and so ends a disturbing chapter in my dating repertoire.

yep folks, this date from hell actually happened. and yep, i lasted till the bitter end. the entire evening i had the words of my favourite ANIMAX show ringing in my ears....NEXT! 

ON TO THE GOOD NEWS

though a little apprehensive about dinner next thursday with a brother who invited me with an email meeting request, very little can surpass the horror of last thursday...so im braving it. it's spring. im optimistic. and the coral dress really deserves a great night out. 

so....NEXT!

the ex, the sex and the texts

i feel like im cheating (on my blog) a bit after a weekend that can only be described as my private emotional hell! the universe decided to playback a rather disturbing reel from my past with an even more upsetting "3 years later" tag to it. here's the summary: my bi-try ex is now fully gay - and i love his new boy toy, my very straight ex has moved on - and im sure i will hate the new squeeze, AND my messed up ex is into me - and im mildly, ok, seriously loving the new attitude. and no, these facts in and of themselves are not the reason for my emotional hell. oh no, it's the fact that i still give a shit...

so, all that talk about turning off, and going for the short cut and being over the manhunt...bollocks! sorry people, but i have commitment issues :( ok, back to this weekend. but first a little background for those who don't know me:

im one of those annoying dude-chicks that quickly becomes friends with men - yes, yours included. we talk sport, drink and laugh uncontrollably at things like ricky ponting's face when he was bowled during the 2nd test of the ashes. who? what? you ask. exactly. most guys are fooled into thinking im a harmless variety of the dude-chick. then without notice, rhyme or reason, i show up to the next game in a tight skirt - befuddled (but without fail), some poor, unsuspecting trooper starts seeing me as a girl and is so confused, he asks me out on a date. and before i go back to my normal dude-chickness, we've hooked up, fucked up and he's sitting in on a 'sex-gone-bad' conversation with the guys and wondering: is she talking about me? one of the hallmarks of a true dude-chick ofcourse is that we always remain friends with our exes. we dont let silly things like lies, betrayal and cheating get in the way of the glorious awkwardness of all subsequent interactions. and that's why i ended up at drinks with 2 exes - during happy hour, (thank goodness) on my way to a party where i was invited by the 3rd ex. all in one weekend!

glossing over the juicy details that undoubtedly all the girls reading this want to know - let me dude-chick y'all and say this: the triumphant return of the ex is upon us. some wildly amazing non-sex and a few texts later, im skipping naively down memory lane. could this be another blooper reel in busi's incredibly disastrous (though always paved with good intentions) dating road? perhaps.

and before this well-orchestrated memo-to-self becomes a 'what the hell are you thinking, nit-picking, self-pitying session,' i've got an ex to text... :)

turn on

"turn on"

a good friend of mine starts his days with this seductively simple mantra. i kind of liked it so i claimed it for a bit, hoping i could catch some of its implied optimism. though not new to the rather self-indugent idea of documenting your thoughts (i've kept a journal since i was 9), i am a cyber virgin, so here goes...

the whole idea of being "on" most, if not all the time probably resonates with most single ladies. whether at work, with friends on a night out, at home with the fam, at church, at weddings, funerals or even on a date - there is this need to be ON! our moms, guy friends and attached/married friends tell us "you never know when you will meet that guy" and so we journey on...totally ON, all the damn time. but even at the best of times, my timing seems to be rather...err...off. im ON when no-one cares and OFF when it's the perfect opportunity to meet a really good guy. why are the good guys never around when im ON my a-game? why does every guy want to talk to you when you just want to hang out with the girls or be invisible at the bar (thus the hoody and uggs, buddy)?

is it me or is this totally exhausting? i've been ON and out there for over 10 years now and i am narked. im ready to abort mission and go for the shortcut!

the whole idea of men-oirs comes from this obstinate resistance to being ON all the time. when chatting with my girls about their ghosts on men past, present and future, we've found that we all date the same guys at some point or another on our way 'the' guy. so if a girlfriend has already been through it, why not eliminate the guess work, i ask. so we share our wisdom, spot the real LV from the fake and help each other stumble along to mr right...and have a good laugh on the way.

so, men-oirs...it's ON!